The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World
£9.50£13.30 (-29%)
This groundbreaking and empowering book examines the impact of growing up and surviving as a gay man in a society still learning to accept all identities.
In The Velvet Rage, psychologist Alan Downs draws on his own struggle with shame and anger, contemporary research, and stories from his patients to passionately describe the stages of a gay man’s journey out of shame and offers practical and inspired strategies to stop the cycle of avoidance and self-defeating behavior. The Velvet Rage is an empowering book that has already changed the public discourse on gay culture and helped shape the identity of an entire generation of gay men.
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Additional information
| Publisher | Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2nd edition (14 Jun. 2012) |
|---|---|
| Language | English |
| Paperback | 252 pages |
| ISBN-10 | 0738215678 |
| ISBN-13 | 978-0738215679 |
| Dimensions | 13.97 x 1.91 x 20.96 cm |
by Ade A.
One of the most important reads about my own lived experience and although the Author is American, I still found this to relatable. I have been gifting this to friends and family on the regular for years now…
by W. Cooke
First off, the beginning chapters of this book are very good. They describe an experience growing up gay that I as a self identified queer man can vibe with. Even in a supportive household queer kids learn all too quickly what is and isn’t acceptable parts of themselves to show. It stresses the book is writing very clearly about the gay male experience and acknowledges that the broad strokes it paints with could apply to lesbians too but are expressed in different ways. No acknowledgement is made however in highlighting the experience of non cis, non white gays
Topping that off, the book feels horribly upper middle class; talk of clients from executive backgrounds being ashamed of who they are. That may not be the experience of every gay. There’s also an assumption that most gays come from a home with a caring mother and distant father. Another middle class assumption borne of the author’s upbringing and environment.
It takes a certain view on non-monogamy and promiscuity, framing it as a symptom of trying to overcompensate for a lack of validation in teen years and while that’s certainly probably the case for some, it doesn’t frame anything other than monogamy as intrinsically rewarding. Like the “bitter queens hanging on to the bar, pining for their lost youth and beauty whilst desperately trying to hook up with another 20 year old twink just to feel something” certainly do exist. It doesn’t mean everyone who has lots of sex is one of them and in need of fixing.
The book was first published, far as I can tell, in 2006 so we don’t get much discussion in the way the modern LGBTQ+ movement has affected overall attitudes. And again this is a very white, very affluent, middle class view on gayness.
I wonder too what would be said of social media had this book come out today. Since a lot of what is said about seeking extrinsic validation could apply to Instagram instead of just to people hosting lavish parties or selling art for tens of thousands of dollars.
No effort is made to understand how a working class gay with very little disposable income or social capital would have to cope with what’s described in the opening chapters around the shame of growing up different to most of ones peers.
That said, the opening chapters are definitely the strongest part of the book. Pinning how I’m sure a lot of queer people, not just gay cis men, will have come to understand the world and learned to cope by behaving certain ways or masking.
The final chapters, however, are mindfulness exercises I’m sure a lot of people would benefit from. Not terrible but learning that the author is now a life coach makes perfect sense to me. He’s also a PhD psychologist so, like, I don’t doubt this man’s credentials
Overall it was a decent read. I feel this is more a book for a straight audience looking to understand the gay experience a little better, however it paints with both broad strokes about gay culture in general whilst only ever being a snapshot of a very particular group of gays
This was more of a self help book than I was looking for, I think. Again, not a bad book; the first third really resonated with me. It lost me near the end though.
by VG Lover
I found this book very elucidating of the reasons behind gay problems and gay lifestyle. The stages described make sense and can be identified either with oneself or those in the circle of friends. The book can be benefitial to help those struggling with their own demons, regarding accepting who and what they are and how they can mange their emotional responses and their relationships.
The book is well structured and focus many sensitive matters that should make the reader meditate about many issues with which one might feel identified with. From the problematic of assuming sexuality to others and to oneself, the identity crisis with which gay men have to struggle, often through their entire lives is well explained. Other issues arasing or persisting, even after the voluntary public revelation of sexuality, e.g. alcohol and other substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, unreasonable risk taking, fictation on body image, fashion and career and the ephemerity and instability of relationships, are well linked to the initial problematic in the way they both are its biproducts and yet refeed its severity. Unlike the believe in a good portion of the gay community that such behaviours are normal and acceptable, the message about their significance as mere signs and symptoms of the disease that worsen the whole picture is evident.
However, a few things make one feel cautious while considerating the content of this book. First, it is based solely on the authors and his patients experiences, and is not a proved recipe in all social and cultural backgrounds. Both author and patients mentioned live in the USA and come mostly from a upper middle of even upper class background. Second, there is little to no mention of the role of the gay community itself, specially that orbiting around the so called “gay scene”, in perpretrating the same kind of erroneous and abusive approach to the gay problematic. Although it can be seen implicit the idea of this phenomenon as a consequence of an aggregating effect of the individual “velvet rage’s”, there is no discussion or evidence that this phenomenon is further aggavated by the community itself. Finnally, the psychological problems associated with the lack of syntony between the gay men in a straight world context did not become so evidently different from similar problems lived by straight individuals who do feel different from the rest of society for other reasons, apart from the trigger.
In conclusion, it is an excellent reading. Despite the validating issues mentioned, it is useful to help solve many of psychological and emotional problems of many gay men both at individual level and at a the level of its closer relationships. The tools are there to help them and their close ones to ease the pain and improve their way of life.